Chimera Chili

As the seasons turn cooler, the actual cooking of food picks up here at Rancho Mikey. When you’re a conspiracy of one, working in a hot kitchen during the summer loses its appeal pretty damn quick. I never mind cooking for others, I just don’t like doing it for myself.

With that in mind, I decided to whip up a big batch of my own Chimera Chili. Now I’m not an expert on the stuff (from what I know that falls well within the state of Texas), but I can cook up a tasty pot of the stuff. Because I like to share, I thought I’d post my recipe to this little info-sphere. Enjoy!

NOTE: Due to some smart-ass Greeks getting the UN to pass the Bellerophon Act of 1964, chimera meat is now illegal, as the creature is now an endangered species. Unfortunately, this put a lot of epic heroes out of work.

1 lb lean ground turkey (or chicken)
1 lb lean ground bison (or beef)
1 lb ground lamb (or pork)
1 16 oz can of crushed tomatoes, and they must truly feel no hope
1 8 oz can of tomato sauce
1 medium onion, chopped
1 can black beans
1 can red kidney beans (dark or light, depends on what side of the Force you woke up on)
1 can white kidney beans

Chili powder
Frank’s Red Hot sauce
Garam Masala
Chinese Five Spice Powder
Hot Curry Powder
Dundicut peppers (dried)

NOTE: I never measure the powdered spices listed here. I just add and adjust to taste as the chili cooks. If you’re wondering where to get anything listed besides Frank’s Red Hot, I recommend Penzey’s Spices, as they offer the best quality and good prices. If you’re wondering where to get Frank’s Red Hot, you have my pity.

IMPORTANT: Dundicuts can be mean little bastiges. They rate 55,000-65,000 scovilles, which is a step up from cayenne or tobasco. For a mild chili in this quantity, I use three. Five makes it spicy, seven makes it burntastic, and more gets you either the EPA or Department of Homeland Security knocking on your door asking what the hell you’re brewing in there.

Brown and drain each meat separately, then dump into a 5 quart crock pot. Chop up onions and toss them in. Add peppers, tomatoes & sauce and beans (drain first). Add spices to suit your taste (err on the side of mild if you must) and stir it all up good. Set your crock pot on high for about 60-90 minutes. Turn the crock pot down to low and do a taste test, adding more spices if necessary. While it may be ready to eat by this point, I let it cook on low for a few hours, stirring occasionally.

Serve with cheddar cheese or cornbread, leaving a Protection From Fire scroll or two on hand for those with sensitive digestions.

Warning: This is a pretty high-protein chili. Just remember what I said about the EPA paying you a visit.


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